Where Boys Become Men

Romance. That's right, I said it. Romance. If you know me, you will know that this is the first time I have ever used this word without it being prefaced with the word "True" or being followed by "is played out, like brushin ya teef". However, many people have asked me what the perfect first encounter with a potential suitor/suitette. Is suitette a real word, by the way? Someone Google that, I don't have internet access. Then perfect encounter would probably be having a stranger approach me in a comic book store, and then asking if I would like to go home, listen to Neurosis, play videogames, drink chocolate milk, and take a nap. However, my most recent reomantic encounter didn't share these elements. First of all, it was at an anime convention. Secondly, they were gay. Thirdly, it was a boy. Fourthly, it was a gay boy at an anime convention. How did I get myself into this situation, you ask? Well, it went something like this....



A few friends of mine and I went to ACEN, which stands for Anime Central, which stands for huge dweebs being dweeby, teetering on the edge between irony and madness. At one point we find ourselves outside of the hotel, some of our party partaking in the social activity known as "cigarette smoking" while others were merely "shooting the shit", myself partaking in the latter. I feel a poke on the shoulder, to which I Immediately turn around. A young gentlmen poises the question, "Can you settle a debate between my friends and I?", to which I reply, "I will give it the old college try, good sir!" His party consisted of three males and one female, yet the female did not seem frightened. I wouldn't say she was "ugly", but she definitely fell closer to the "halitosis" end of the spectrum. The young man's voice brought me back from mentally questioning the genetic makeup that could cause such disfigurement in a female, when he said, "We were debating, and we can't figure it out, but, are you gay?" To which I could ONLY reply by saying........

"OF COURSE!"

It was in that instant that I made a choice over whether to answer truthfully, to possibly impress his friend, who I shall refer to as "pile of burnt muffins". The young man excitedly said "I knew it!". The pile of burnt muffins questioned my sincerity, yet my years of improvisational skills kicked in, and I was able to convince it otherwise. I poised the question, "What gave me away?", to which I heard what seemed like a chorus of one thousand members of the Vienna Boys Choir respond with "Your tight pants". My thigh was then stroked by the original male, who might have been the leader, who I can only assume was letting me know it was the pants I was wearing that were tight, as opposed to him being able to see in my eyes that I had owned a pair of tight pants that existed somewhere in my life. I was then given the offer of making out with him to prove I wasn't lying, which was then retracted because his "boyfriend was upstairs" and he "doesn't cheat on his man". I let him know that my sexual prowess would not only be a let down, but could possibly scar him for life, and I would not wish upon anyone, even the likes of Mao, or Hitler, or even Leno. He then let me know that it was not about the size of certain body parts, but rather, as long as those body parts are filled with love. That part even grossed me out, so there is no way to convey the thoughts which filled my already flustered mind. He bid me adieu by grabbing my bathing suit area, which I did not question, assuming that was a standard wave goodbye to all people attending ACEN. When all was said and done, I slept soundly that night not only questioning my sexuality, but with the confidence of successfully jamming someone's Gaydar, much like my Call of Duty 4 character has the UAV Jammer perk.