My blind neighbor’s wife doesn’t need any paint.

Oh what, Happy New Year?
The dirtbag in the picture above only wishes he could see the end of 2009. What does he have, cancer of the face? Where the fuck’s your smile, buddy? It’s a brand new year! Time to start over! What's that? Your only New Year’s resolution is to die faster? Jeez.

He’s probably miserable that all he has left is a head. How ironic—he gets cancer of the face and right before he dies his head is all he has left. As a dog you can’t do much with that. Unless you’re another dog, who comes along and sees this dog’s head on the ground and thinks it’s a toy or something. How fun! Wouldn’t be long before it picks this dog’s head up with it’s mouth and runs off. How fucked is that? Just goes to show: if dog cancer doesn’t kill you, maybe another dog will.

And speaking of New Years resolutions, does anyone really do that? There’s a reason this post didn’t see the light of day until half-way into January. Has anyone who made a New Year’s resolution for 2009 not forgotten about it by now? Oh no? You haven’t? Good for you. Glad to hear you’re still resolving it.

Want something new to try? It’s not too late. It’s never too late, really. Try this: what about making a list (Oh shit, not another list! What’s with this guy and lists?) of things to accomplish in 2009? Even better, make a list of restrictions you must obey for the entire year. Be creative, dummy. Be a creative dummy. I don’t know. It doesn’t have to make sense. But since I’m so obnoxiously obsessed with making lists, I compulsively made one myself and again I’m sharing it here. Go figure.

• Get a piece of art in a gallery by any means necessary.
• Dumpster dive. Donate the findings to a thrift store.
• Plant a tree.
• Refrain from eating fast food no more than a total of seven times throughout the entire year.
  
• Get my picture taken with seven different animals, all of different species.
• Refrain from seeing any movie with a running time of over an hour and twenty-seven minutes. You may start a movie, or finish a movie, with a running time of over 87 minutes, but you cannot exceed that time limit, in a theater or otherwise.
• Take a trip to New York City and purchase an item targeted to tourists (preferably the most tacky, kitschy of items you can find) and create an elaborate story behind this item. Then sell it on eBay.
• Build a snowman. Hide something in it.
• Build a sandcastle. Hide something in it.
• Write to Maury Povich requesting their online merchandiser create maternity shirts.
• Successfully sell a hamburger to a guy selling hot dogs at a hot dog stand (i.e. a hot dog vendor).
• Buy something for over $50 from a thrift store or antiques shop, and destroy it. Then try to return it; preferably within the same day.
• Buy a pair of expensive underwear from Victoria's Secret or some other lingerie specialist. Go to a different clothing store and use their dressing room to put on the purchased underwear. Walk around. Go to a third clothing store only to use their dressing room to remove the underwear. Return the underwear within the same shopping experience to the original store.
• Have sex in a dressing room of a store that also sells children's clothing.
• Fly a kite. Then set it on fire.
• Sell one book you personally own a month, or a total of twelve books at the end of the year, regardless of how old or whether it has been read by you, by any means necessary. Attempt to make up for the item you bought and destroyed for over $50, because really, reading sucks.