Pleasure is often the Introduction to Pain

Hey I'm new here! I was totally invited to write for this blog. Imagine that. You can refer to me as “Craig,” because that's my real first name. And believe it or not, the photograph in my profile is actually me too! Those were the days.

Back when I was 14 years old, I never thought I'd be posting for blogs. Matter of fact, if you even told me I was going to post for blogs, I'd probably bellow a deep moan and cover my ears. Back then I didn't take too kindly to strangers who used them type of words. But now, forget about it! (How do they say it, “fuhgetaboutit?” Yeah yeah, fuhgetaboutit.) Look at me, I love it already!

The best thing about posting for blogs is you can say whatever's on your mind at any given time, as long as you know how to type and you have the blog site up with the “Compose” window open, on a computer that's working with no one standing behind you reading aloud what you're typing. It's pretty obvious that's the best thing. Just ask my blog-mate Patrick. Look at what he's blogged about already. Look at it. I don't even know what he said, but it sounds cool when read out loud.

And honestly, that's all I'm looking for here—someone to read everything back to me. As long as they're not standing right behind me reading everything I'm typing. We've already discussed this remember?

In an attempt to put this ever so eloquently, if I don't annoy you yet, just fucking wait.

Time Waster

So, I have quite a few t-shirts in my collection, and I keep trying to think of ways to showcase them. Well, here is what I decided to come up with. And it only took four days to do!









There are a total of 68 shirts there. If you hit "ESC" at any point, the frame will freeze. To get the cycle going again click the "Refresh" button, or just hit F5. The first person to list all 68 shirts wins a righteous prize. Now get to it!

Where Boys Become Men

Romance. That's right, I said it. Romance. If you know me, you will know that this is the first time I have ever used this word without it being prefaced with the word "True" or being followed by "is played out, like brushin ya teef". However, many people have asked me what the perfect first encounter with a potential suitor/suitette. Is suitette a real word, by the way? Someone Google that, I don't have internet access. Then perfect encounter would probably be having a stranger approach me in a comic book store, and then asking if I would like to go home, listen to Neurosis, play videogames, drink chocolate milk, and take a nap. However, my most recent reomantic encounter didn't share these elements. First of all, it was at an anime convention. Secondly, they were gay. Thirdly, it was a boy. Fourthly, it was a gay boy at an anime convention. How did I get myself into this situation, you ask? Well, it went something like this....



A few friends of mine and I went to ACEN, which stands for Anime Central, which stands for huge dweebs being dweeby, teetering on the edge between irony and madness. At one point we find ourselves outside of the hotel, some of our party partaking in the social activity known as "cigarette smoking" while others were merely "shooting the shit", myself partaking in the latter. I feel a poke on the shoulder, to which I Immediately turn around. A young gentlmen poises the question, "Can you settle a debate between my friends and I?", to which I reply, "I will give it the old college try, good sir!" His party consisted of three males and one female, yet the female did not seem frightened. I wouldn't say she was "ugly", but she definitely fell closer to the "halitosis" end of the spectrum. The young man's voice brought me back from mentally questioning the genetic makeup that could cause such disfigurement in a female, when he said, "We were debating, and we can't figure it out, but, are you gay?" To which I could ONLY reply by saying........

"OF COURSE!"

It was in that instant that I made a choice over whether to answer truthfully, to possibly impress his friend, who I shall refer to as "pile of burnt muffins". The young man excitedly said "I knew it!". The pile of burnt muffins questioned my sincerity, yet my years of improvisational skills kicked in, and I was able to convince it otherwise. I poised the question, "What gave me away?", to which I heard what seemed like a chorus of one thousand members of the Vienna Boys Choir respond with "Your tight pants". My thigh was then stroked by the original male, who might have been the leader, who I can only assume was letting me know it was the pants I was wearing that were tight, as opposed to him being able to see in my eyes that I had owned a pair of tight pants that existed somewhere in my life. I was then given the offer of making out with him to prove I wasn't lying, which was then retracted because his "boyfriend was upstairs" and he "doesn't cheat on his man". I let him know that my sexual prowess would not only be a let down, but could possibly scar him for life, and I would not wish upon anyone, even the likes of Mao, or Hitler, or even Leno. He then let me know that it was not about the size of certain body parts, but rather, as long as those body parts are filled with love. That part even grossed me out, so there is no way to convey the thoughts which filled my already flustered mind. He bid me adieu by grabbing my bathing suit area, which I did not question, assuming that was a standard wave goodbye to all people attending ACEN. When all was said and done, I slept soundly that night not only questioning my sexuality, but with the confidence of successfully jamming someone's Gaydar, much like my Call of Duty 4 character has the UAV Jammer perk.

Two GIF's From The Magi

Honestly, nothing else really needs to be said about these next two images......

But I will say something anyway. First of all......





Yes. that's correct. An animated GIF of Marky mark looking around confused. No matter how many times I practice this look in the mirror, I can't get a handle on it. Anytime I get confused, this image plays in my head, which leads to me attempting this face, leading to the confusion of everyone around them. And they tell two friends....and they tell two friends....and so on....and so on...

Secondly......



This stage dive failed so badly, even the singer can't help but shudder away from the scene of the awkwardness. This was from Mental's set at Posi Numbers 2003, and I can only imagine what was said between the failure and the guy whose back he landed on.

"Hey man, did you just jump DIRECTLY onto my back, and come in contact with ABSOLUTELY no one else?"

To which he would reply with...

If This Trend Catches On...

We will have tigers trying to eat our guts in the ocean. And after that, the sharks will get jealous and learn how to walk. Making a certain persons tattoo's some sort of Tarot tattoo, for predicting the future. A Tarotoo, if you will. Meaning......Dr. Pepper cans coming to life, with highly reflective sunglasses.

EDIT: here is a picture of my tattoo, for family members co-workers, or other people who haven't seen it




And now, the video in question...

Dead End Road

I am currently working, and felt like wasting time, so it only made sense to waste time telling a story of something that has happened to me at work. Let me tell you a little about my job. I am a manager at a movie theater, which shall remain nameless, that is located in the suburbs of Chicago. It is a very rich, very elderly suburb, with the only highlight being that there is a Dairy Queen and I one time met Harold Ramis. Everyone is cranky and fussy and close to death, which I am fine with. It makes dealing with grumpy people much easier knowing that they will probably die shortly after getting back home.

So one day I get a call from an employee, who was interrupting VERY important Wikipedia time, saying I had to deal with a customer, so I put my "research" on hold. An old woman and a MUCH older man appear to be the culprits of this interruption. I could not recall the exact dialogue, so I will summarize as best I can. The woman says, "So we were driving by your theatre and looked at the sign out front and read the movie times, decided what we wanted to see, and then ate dinner. Turns out that we read the sign wrong, so will you give us free passes?"

.....................

Let that sink in for a moment.........

.....................

My reaction was, "WHAT THE FUCK, WHY WOULD I DO THAT, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE SOME OLD PERSON CHARITY?". However, that only took place in my head. What words I managed to mutter through the cogs in my brain coming to a rusty halt was something along the lines of,"........wait.....what?".

They then described the confusing sign, and even brought me outside to show me how "confusing" the sign was. I held firm to my beliefs of not wanting to reward ignorance and crankiness, so obviously, I said "no" repeatedly. The debate got quite heated, and pinnacled when she said, "So you would rather have two angry customers than just give us free passes?", to which I replied, "FUCK YES YOU DUMMY". Once again, that was only in my head, but it was something like that, but in a much more managerial way. Her response....

"You know what, with that kind of attitude, you won't be going very far in life".

Wait a second, did she really just say...I couldn't comprehend, because I was interrupted by her taking pictures of the "confusing sign" with her cellular device, and then took pictures of "toilet paper" that was on the "floor". Honestly, who gets THAT upset over not being able to read?

FAST FORWARD FOUR DAYS

An older lady than lady number one comes in asking to talk to a manager. She says she has passes that expire in a few days, however, she is going on vacation for a week and won't get a chance to use them. She begs and pleads with me to somehow make sure they will be accepted. This is obviously THE biggest problem she has EVER had in her ENTIRE life. So I say to her, "Sure you old weirdo, good forever!" or something along those lines. She then acts quite grateful, and says, "You know, with that kind of attitude, you are going places in life". I KID YOU NOT. Two contradictory views on where my life will be heading from two complete strangers within four days. I had no idea I worked in a town full of contradictory, fortune-telling gypsies.

Best Workout Songs

I know what you are all thinking, and you are right, I am a perfect physical specimen. And yes, you are all right, to a degree. However, if I want to achieve SUPER-human perfection, it's going to take quite some work. For example, I don't believe superheroes get winded after standing up or need to sit down and take a break after lifting up the toilet seat, which creates a unique problem. So yes, this morning I started jogging, and even if my attempt to cast aside the shackles of mere mortal perfection ends in failure, it was worth the attempt to be able to come home from work last night and see this note on my door.

Things That Shouldn't Be Alive

Exhibit A) Giant Stingrays




Why the fuck is this thing alive? What on Earth could kill it? Is this another cruel joke from God, where he said "hey guess what guys, here is ANOTHER reason to be terrified of the ocean, just because I had some leftover supplies".

On a side not, on the sub-topic of "things that SHOULD be alive, but aren't", I would like to add George Carlin. Thank you and goodnight.

Wherever This Road May Lead...

When it comes to writing the first entry to a blog, or to anything, for that matter, it seems only appropriate to give an advance warning to any readers as to what the blog will entail. However, when you start down a path, do you know exactly where it may lead you, or what stops it will make along the way? So consider this a warning: this blog WILL contain inappropriate language, details of inappropriate behavior, inappropriate images, etc. Essentially, this blog will chronicle the direct correlation between days falling off the calendar and the farther away from reality I drift. This is not to say anything along the lines of "oh lol look at me, I am coo-koo", nor is it to say "I choose to reject your reality in an attempt to destroy it". Simply put, I do things a normal member of society would not, and question the actions of these "norms". Prepare for more to come, because whatever comes from this blog, at least it will entertain myself.