You Can't Go Home Again

Except, well, sometimes you can. Actually, most times you can, unless your house has burned down. As some of you know I recently went home for a few days. I could bore you with the details, even though they involved seeing some good friends and family and animals, but I will just tell you the story of Saturday.

Saturday was the day that my family and I went to see Bruce Springsteen, which was the reason to visit home. My mom informed me that recently on his tour, "The Boss" as he is so referred to as, has been taking signs that the audience members held up and would randomly play a few of them. This prompted quite the long email chain among my mom, my brother, my sister, and myself, with her asking us what songs we wanted to be played. I, being my usually witty self, said that I wanted him to play songs like "Hungry Heart", "Glory Days", "Dancin' in the Dark", and "Radio Nowhere". For those of you reading this blog that are familiar with his discography will realize that these are his most pop songs, that no real fan claim to be their favorite. For those of you NOT familiar with his discography, close your browser immediately, shut the computer, and blow your brains out. Cut to the night of the show. Song number three of the night was "Radio Nowhere", to which I continued to sing in my head "I was surfing on a dead dog". Throughout the course of the evening, he continued to play "Hungry Heart", "Dancin' in the Dark", and yes, even "Glory Days". I realize this story has no crux or pinnacle, however, any Springsteen fan can find humor in the situation. The non-Springsteen fans, I am surprised you even know how to read you cans of soup with eyes attached.

There was an interesting story on my way home from the airport, however. I was walking home from the train as it started to rain. I noticed a new orphanage at the end of the street, which must have sprung up and become fully populated within the span of a few days. As I walked towards the orphanage, I heard the kids gleefully shouting things like "It's great to be alive and not on fire!" and "My parents were killed by fire, but it's not gonna get me!". As I approached this orphanage, looking for a date (with a hot young nurse, OF COURSE), I saw Thor himself poke his head down from out of those clouds and say "NOT ON MY WATCH, MERE MORTAL" as he split the sky in half with a bolt that was filled with the anger of the Norse God, splitting the orphanage precisely in half. Those children I mentioned earlier changed their cries to "WHAT THE FUCK, WE"RE ALL GONNA DIE!" and things of that nature. I took the power into my hands to save these children, so I ran up to the door, and with my brand new Reebok's, kicked in the door until it splintered under my strength. This caused my foot to catch on fire, but who cares? Children's lives were at stake! And you ALL know how I love children, and old people. I then ran upstairs, foot ablaze, and threw the children out the windows like sacks of potatoes, which I am allowed to say because they were all Irish. They all lived and offered money and toys, yet I rejected them. Both out of the goodness of my own heart, and because orphans have the shittiest toys you could imagine. How do you tell a kid that a teddy bear with no head is worth their eternal soul? Either way, the children are alive and so am I. However, my foot is annihilated, which I am about to post a picture of. I WARN YOU......IT IS DISGUSTING, READ NO FURTHER UNLESS YOU WANT TO PUKE YOUR GUTS UP...




HERE IT COMES......