My blind neighbor’s wife doesn’t need any paint.

Oh what, Happy New Year?
The dirtbag in the picture above only wishes he could see the end of 2009. What does he have, cancer of the face? Where the fuck’s your smile, buddy? It’s a brand new year! Time to start over! What's that? Your only New Year’s resolution is to die faster? Jeez.

He’s probably miserable that all he has left is a head. How ironic—he gets cancer of the face and right before he dies his head is all he has left. As a dog you can’t do much with that. Unless you’re another dog, who comes along and sees this dog’s head on the ground and thinks it’s a toy or something. How fun! Wouldn’t be long before it picks this dog’s head up with it’s mouth and runs off. How fucked is that? Just goes to show: if dog cancer doesn’t kill you, maybe another dog will.

And speaking of New Years resolutions, does anyone really do that? There’s a reason this post didn’t see the light of day until half-way into January. Has anyone who made a New Year’s resolution for 2009 not forgotten about it by now? Oh no? You haven’t? Good for you. Glad to hear you’re still resolving it.

Want something new to try? It’s not too late. It’s never too late, really. Try this: what about making a list (Oh shit, not another list! What’s with this guy and lists?) of things to accomplish in 2009? Even better, make a list of restrictions you must obey for the entire year. Be creative, dummy. Be a creative dummy. I don’t know. It doesn’t have to make sense. But since I’m so obnoxiously obsessed with making lists, I compulsively made one myself and again I’m sharing it here. Go figure.

• Get a piece of art in a gallery by any means necessary.
• Dumpster dive. Donate the findings to a thrift store.
• Plant a tree.
• Refrain from eating fast food no more than a total of seven times throughout the entire year.
  
• Get my picture taken with seven different animals, all of different species.
• Refrain from seeing any movie with a running time of over an hour and twenty-seven minutes. You may start a movie, or finish a movie, with a running time of over 87 minutes, but you cannot exceed that time limit, in a theater or otherwise.
• Take a trip to New York City and purchase an item targeted to tourists (preferably the most tacky, kitschy of items you can find) and create an elaborate story behind this item. Then sell it on eBay.
• Build a snowman. Hide something in it.
• Build a sandcastle. Hide something in it.
• Write to Maury Povich requesting their online merchandiser create maternity shirts.
• Successfully sell a hamburger to a guy selling hot dogs at a hot dog stand (i.e. a hot dog vendor).
• Buy something for over $50 from a thrift store or antiques shop, and destroy it. Then try to return it; preferably within the same day.
• Buy a pair of expensive underwear from Victoria's Secret or some other lingerie specialist. Go to a different clothing store and use their dressing room to put on the purchased underwear. Walk around. Go to a third clothing store only to use their dressing room to remove the underwear. Return the underwear within the same shopping experience to the original store.
• Have sex in a dressing room of a store that also sells children's clothing.
• Fly a kite. Then set it on fire.
• Sell one book you personally own a month, or a total of twelve books at the end of the year, regardless of how old or whether it has been read by you, by any means necessary. Attempt to make up for the item you bought and destroyed for over $50, because really, reading sucks.
  

List: What I Don’t Want for Christmas

• A book report
• Kleenex® Lotion Tissue
  
• Asthma
• A wedgie
• Teva® Sport Sandals
• Sweet potatoes
• Rain turning into anything other than snow
  Anything other than sunshine
• Constipation
  
• Any kind of bodily piercing found as a surprise
  
• Cat furniture (i.e. cat condo, cat tree, kitty gym, etc.)
• A computer virus
• A howling dog as an alarm that won’t turn off
  
• Leather pants
  
• Overdrawn fees due to insufficient funds
• Coal
• Anything Star Trek related
• Sudden and persistent influx of spam email
• Gum on my shoe
• A cold shower
  

The only thing they shared

Gregory rested himself on Abigail and almost laughed. She took a quick glance to see who it was. Then released a sigh of relief. It was their duty to convincingly pose for the camera. But she didn’t make any effort to move away from his advances. Gregory knew Abigail very well; and he knew a friendly photo with some ice pops would preoccupy her mind. Maybe even put her at ease. So when she neglected to deny his gentle approach, he suspected she was seduceable. Needless to say, her display of comfort foreshadowed her downfall. The photo was only a way to get his foot in the door, metaphorically speaking. And with all those wonderful ice pops, Abigail had to know she was a target. And not just a target for thirst-quenching sweet-tooths, like Gregory, but the target of a textbook case of first degree rape.

By distracting Abigail with a box full of Assorted Flavored Fun Pops, Gregory knew he could entertain her long enough to take advantage of the situation that would follow. Once they were done posing, all bets were off. He had the evening planned out, and he knew exactly how to soften her up; what to do, where to go. He didn’t care anymore if they were “just friends.” He knew he had to have her. All while he perversely forced analogies into his daydreaming: like the ice treat he once provided to keep her happy, he yearned for the moment all the ice melts away, and only the juice remains in the plastic sleeve, temporarily quenching his unyielding thirst for more.

It took only five minutes alone with Abigail before Gregory found out she used to be a dude.

Proclaiming Annihilation is for Old People

How do you resurrect a blog that isn’t quite dead? Eat the brains of the elderly.

On my way into work the other morning I passed an oncoming police cruiser. Lights were off, possibly patrolling the neighborhood, but in the cruiser sat two male police officers. What’s the catch, you say? They were surprisingly old. Old police officers. I’d give up my right to remain silent to see both of these dudes come across a shootout or some kind of robbery gone awry.

Here is the beginning of a list of movies that I believe are more enjoyable than the original. These were the highlights of the series. These movies out-performed their predecessors or successors as I see it. I hope you all agree.

• Airplane II: The Sequel
• Star Wars: Return of the Jedi
• Psycho II
• Superman III
  
• Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
• Rambo: First Blood Part II
• Return to Oz
• Day of the Dead
• Rocky IV
• Poltergeist II: The Other Side
• The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2
• A Nightmare on Elm Street 3: Dream Warriors
• Beverly Hills Cop II
• Teen Wolf Too
• Ghostbusters II
• The Karate Kid, Part III
• Back to the Future Part II
• Christmas Vacation
• Gremlins 2: The New Batch
• Robocop 2
• Child's Play 2
• The Neverending Story II: The Next Chapter
• Teanage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: Secret of the Ooze
• Terminator 2: Judgment Day
• Honey I Blew Up The Kid
• Army of Darkness
• Addams Family Values
• Die Hard: With A Vengeance
• Ace Ventura: When Nature Calls
• Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me
  
• Toy Story 2
• X-Men 2: X-Men United
• Scary Movie 4
• Ocean’s Thirteen
• AVPR: Aliens vs Predator - Requiem
• The Dark Knight
  

Voting is for Old People

If one more person tells me to vote, I am going to blow their brains out. Now, don't get me wrong, I have no problem with people voting, or expressing their opinion on who they are voting for. I also understand that people have no right to complain about how things go politically if you can't participate enough to vote about something. However, all you people simply saying "go out there and vote" or "it's your civic duty" or "blah blah vote blah", shut up already. I have a question for all of you people....if someone was convinced that they weren't going to vote, and your actions of demanding them to vote was what they needed to convince them to vote, would you really trust their opinion? What if immediately after you said "go out and vote!" someone was right behind you saying "and make sure to rape some people, don't waste those genitals!". I wouldn't trust those people, so why should you?

I am not giving the excuse of not caring enough about either candidates, I am simply expressing the fact that I don't have real evidence of a single vote ever making a difference. The government and media have told us how and why voting works, and we take their word for it, which is fine, but I don't know for sure if it really was. Wasn't there possibly an election about eight years ago where people voted, and one guy got more votes, but he didn't end up being president? From a scientific standpoint, I need cold hard evidence to believe in a concept, or agree with facts coming from sources I trust expressing how and why something works for me to just follow it blindly. Since I don't have those sources, I don't know if I will be voting. I'm not saying I am ruling out the idea entirely, and I am not saying the government has some epic conspiracy, I am merely saying that I don't know if voting really DOES make a difference, and if anyone out there has proof, I am all ears.

Now, say I were to get this proof, what would I do then, you may ask. Well, I honestly don't know which candidate I would vote for. I do not feel like I am educated enough about both candidates equally to be able to say which I prefer. That's not to say I don't agree with one candidate over the other, but if I don't have a complete picture, I don't think I have a right to make fair judgement. I have to listen to all these people saying "Candidate A is the best because they believe in this, this, and this", yet when questioned about what that candidate has to say on other issues, that aren't the trendy hip issues, they don't know. Or when questioned about what Candidate B has to say on all of the same issues, they don't know for sure. Also, where are these people getting their information from? I don't think I can trust the word of any news source interpretting issues in the way their audience would see fit. For example, say I watched a channel called "Faux News" because they had babes as anchors rather than watching something called "MSPCA" because all their anchors looked like dorks. You wouldn't be getting the same information in the same way, merely based on the fact that the anchors are reading different prompts. How can you make a decision about who will head the Executive branch of our country if you only have some of the information, but don't have a complete picture of the whole scheme? Just being an expert on one issue, or one topic, doesn't really give an adequate representation. Would you go to a foot doctor if you had a cold? I mean, why not, they have a lot of expertise in one area, why wouldn't they be able to make the best decision possible when it came to symptoms throughout the whole body?

So the next person who tells me to vote, I will simply smile and nod, and vote "Yes" to human sterilization in their bloodline. And to be honest, based on the people demanding I vote, I wouldn't be surprised to find more species than just humans in their bloodline.

Fall Fashions!

Let's discuss fall fashions. Yes, it's MUCH more complicated than we think. I hope this is more of a discussion than just me making one post. Let's think....thermal shirts or flannel shirts? Pullover hoodies versus zip-ups? When you go outside, hooded sweatshirt or light jacket? As far as jackets, denim or leather? Once it gets cold, winter coat or your fall jacket over a sweatshirt? And Jesus Christ, what about scarves?! So many possibilities! Yes, this is my first post in a while, and it should have been filled with more interesting things, but this is VERY important. Also, let me just say that wearing a thermal shirt under a t shirt looks coolest with black jeans. Anything else makes you look LAME. Here is what Arthur has to say about it....

Art Imitates Life Imitates Art